


The Only One

by n_g_m_3692



Series: You ever think, back in the day, this is where we'd be? [1]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gap Filler, Ian Gallagher-centric, M/M, POV Second Person, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:07:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26853451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n_g_m_3692/pseuds/n_g_m_3692
Summary: A convoluted history of love, starting with their first summer together, all the way to their wedding"Hot summer days bleed into long nightsYour fingers brush against hisGreen eyes meet blue and a smile creeps onto your faceYou love breathing the same air as himYou love just being with himHe’s your schoolyard crush,your secret obsession,your daydream and your worst nightmare wrapped up in oneYou can’t get enough*You’re nothing but a warm mouth to me,he saysAll of your fantasies come grinding to a haltYou think you might love himWhat did you do to deserve this?You don’t know if you mean that as a question or a curse"
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Series: You ever think, back in the day, this is where we'd be? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1973218
Comments: 5
Kudos: 35





	The Only One

Hot summer days bleed into long nights

Your fingers brush against his

Green eyes meet blue and a smile creeps onto your face

You love breathing the same air as him

You love just being with him

He’s your schoolyard crush,

your secret obsession,

your daydream and your worst nightmare wrapped up in one

You can’t get enough

*

 _You’re nothing but a warm mouth to me,_ he says

All of your fantasies come grinding to a halt

You think you might love him

He comes back to you

It’s different, this time

You hope you aren’t just imagining it

You ask him to kiss you and he does

You know you aren’t just imagining it

*

The thought crosses your mind again

It’s a dangerous one

You’re sitting next to him on the couch and you want to say something

 _I love you_ , you’d say

Would he say it back?

No, you know he wouldn’t

Would he want to?

You hope so

Maybe it’s a good thing he can’t say it

You’d surely float away if you heard those words come from his mouth

But he looks at you and, god, it’s like he’s saying it anyways

What did you do to deserve this?

You don’t know if you mean that as a question or a curse

*

You love him

You’d tell him this if he’d look at you

—if he’d even acknowledge your existence

You’re always being ignored

The middle child,

the one no one has to worry about,

the one with the plans

When people pay attention to you it’s for your body

They use you and you let them

You feel dirty but you let them anyways

At least that way you know somebody wants you

You thought he was different

He _is_ different, you remind yourself

You just want him to be okay

It’s your fault this happened to him

You should have left well enough alone

He told you what would happen if you were caught together

You were selfish

You want to apologize

But he won’t look at you

*

When you see him again you’re desperate

Your love for him is overwhelming you

You’re choking on it

You need an outlet

You can’t keep it all inside

You know you love him and somehow, you know he loves you

Maybe you’re delusional

Maybe you’re just sick of being ignored

 _You love me,_ you tell him

It isn’t a question

He doesn’t tell you you’re wrong

You wish he would

Because then you could move on

You know now that you’ll never be able to move on

*

You seek him out again

Why do you keep going this to yourself?

 _If you give half a shit about me,_ you say

He pushes you away,

you keep going

_Half, don’t do this_

His face softens and he crashes into you

His hands are in your hair and you think _this is it_

You could run away together, maybe

You’re ready to leave this place

You were going to do it anyway

Maybe he could come with you

 _What are we gonna do?_ you ask him, letting your hope show

He takes your hope and crushes it under his heel

He’s saying something being ready for round two

He’s still pretending this is about sex

You thought you were both past that

You thought—

It doesn’t matter what you thought

_Not everybody gets to just blurt out how they fuckin’ feel every minute_

The truth in his statement shocks you

He’s right

Neither of you could ever be happy here

Mandy interrupts before you can ask him if he wants to try being happy somewhere else

*

It’s too late

He’s married now

You drink and you drink and you drink

You make a decision

Really, you’d already made it

But you had thought, foolishly, that he would come with you

It doesn’t matter what you thought

*

You go to see him one last time

 _Don’t_ , he says

You are a cruel thing, now

 _Don’t what?_ , you ask

 _Just—_ he can’t say it

You smile

Of course he can’t say it

You would stay, for him

If only he would say it

 _Don’t go,_ he would say, _don’t leave me_

You would run into his arms

You would kiss him like you’ve never kissed before

But he doesn’t, so you don’t

You leave

You hear him let out a quiet sob

You want to turn around

You don’t

You let men touch you night after night

They treat your body like it’s theirs for the taking

Because, really, it is

You are something to be sold and bought

You don’t care, not anymore

You don’t feel anymore, either

Numb and numb and numb

There’s something wrong with you

You know this

Your brain is loud where it used to be quiet

Your hands shake and you move too fast

You can’t understand your own thoughts

—you don’t have to

Your brain isn’t working but it doesn’t matter

Here all that matters is your body and that’s working just fine

*

He comes back for you

You treat him like he’s one of them

You need him to go away

Maybe if you act like you don’t even know him he’ll leave

You can go back to your vapid nights and restless days

He says something that shakes you awake

—something about your family

You pretend that you don’t care about them, too

He sees through it

Just like you used to see through his facade

You know each other too well

You miss him

You love him

But he doesn’t need to know this

You move on to the next customer

You watch him get led out of the club

You take the pill the man gives you

The next thing you know the man is touching you

You let him

You can barely feel his hand, anyways

Then he isn’t touching you anymore and you fall to the floor

You hear Mickey’s voice but can’t respond

You feel his gentle hands on your shoulders

You forgot how gentle his hands could be

How soft and warm and loving they are

How could you forget?

You love him

You could never forget this

*

You stay this time

For your family

For him

He isn’t scared to love you anymore

He sleeps in your bed,

sits at your table,

kisses your mouth

It’s different

It’s better

It’s all you ever wanted

*

You can’t move

Why can’t you move?

You hear them

They’re talking about you

—telling him lies about you

You’re not Monica

 _I’m not Monica,_ you say, over and over

He eases you out of bed

Puts you in the shower and runs his hands through your hair

 _It’s okay_ , he’s saying

You wonder why he’s lying

It’s not okay

Nothing is okay

Maybe it never will be again

Your mind is running a million miles a minute

Everything is bright

Every sunrise is beautiful

Every meal you have is the best you’ve ever tasted

And him?

He’s everything

He has a wife, but you don’t care

He has a kid, and you love him like he’s your own

This is the best you’ve ever felt

You only stop smiling when it hurts your cheeks too much

This is happiness

This is bliss

This is pure, unfiltered euphoria

*

This is rock bottom

You’re trapped in a prison of your own making

Why did you let them convince you that you’re like her?

You’re not Monica

You’re Ian

Right?

He visits you

Your eyes fall right past him

You’re trying to focus but you can’t

It’s not your fault

Somebody shoved cotton in your head

Somebody took away your feelings again

You loved having them back

Even though they were much too big and much too loud

It was nice to feel, for a little while

*

He’s not here

You thought he was strong

—indestructible even

You were wrong

You scared him away

Maybe that’s better

If you really are Monica then what does that make him?

Frank?

You shudder at the thought

They destroy each other

Time and time again

They wrap around each other like boa constrictors and squeeze

They only let go once there’s barely any life left in either of them

You don’t want that

He doesn’t deserve that

*

_Sorry I’m late_

He comes back anyway

If you had a voice you would tell him to leave

—to run while he still can

But that’s just another thing you’ve lost

You let him dote on you

It makes him feel better

It makes you feel worse

You miss how things used to be

The high speed chase that left you panting and always ready for more

When you finally snap you worry that it’s really the end

—that you’ve finally gone too far

But no

He stays through it all

He kisses you, brushing the wet hair away from your face

He sings with you, paying no mind to how you must look

He tries to protect you, when your actions finally catch up to you

He sits next to you while your family says what they really think

_He’s different_

_He’s destructive_

*

When she shows up you go with her

Your heart aches for him the whole time

You make up your mind

You’ve seen what kind of life is waiting for you

—waiting for him, if he stays

*

He tells you he loves you and you say nothing

You are an ugly, callous thing

It’s time he knows this

Do you love him?

Or is it another trick your ruthless mind is playing on you?

You ask him

_What the hell does that even mean?_

He tells you

Still, you don’t say it back

If he loves you and you love him then he has to take care of you

He would chain himself to you and you would drag him down

You would drown together

You can’t do that to him, so you don’t

You break his heart, right there on the porch

If you listen you can hear it shattering

If you look closely you can see the bloodstains

He makes no effort to hide them

You’re miles apart and yet you could reach out and touch him

You’ve lost yourself,

your feelings,

your identity

You’ve lost everything

Except him

Never him

To lose your love for him would be to stop living

*

The second he’s gone you regret everything

You love him

Of course you do

You always have

 _I love you_ , you want to scream

But there’s nobody to scream it to

He’s gone and you’re left with a broken brain and a heart to match

He’s begging you

He’s giving you everything and you’re giving him nothing

Again

He’s pale and his eyes have lost their spark

You want it back

You know what you have to say to get it

_I love you_

He would smile at you, maybe even put his hand on the glass

 _I'll wait for you_ , you’d say, confident and open

Because of course you will

There will never be anybody else

You’re sure of this

The pain you feel as you look at him through the glass tells you this

It will always be him

But you can’t tell him this

Why? You don’t know

Things haven’t made sense in a long time

Maybe you’re just a sad, broken thing

Maybe you’re destined for destruction

You’ve gotten so used to the fog you don’t remember what you used to feel like

He would smile at you and your heart would glow inside your chest

He would touch you and your skin would burn

You would push and push and push and always ask for more

He would give it to you and you would smile back at him like he had dragged the moon out of the sky for you

All of that is now a faint memory, masked in layers and layers of fog

_Will you wait?_

Your eyes find his

_Yeah, Mick, i’ll wait_

It’s not a lie, even though it sounds like it is

You hope he knows this

*

You are the great pretender

A wolf in sheep’s clothing

This is what you wanted right?

A normal life

A steady life

A calm, boring partner to balance you out

It doesn’t feel right

You pretend that it does

You’re getting better at pretending

It’s a little bit easier with him

He makes you laugh

He reintroduces you to the world of bright lights and loud music

You don’t love him

Of course you don’t

That’s okay, for now

You think, _maybe this is enough_

It isn’t

*

 _Mickey?_ you ask

Inside your chest, your heart is banging against your ribcage

It’s begging to be let out

You pretend that you don’t care

—act like he’s just another ex

He’s not

When you hear his voice again you know what you’re going to do

It was never even a question

*

When his eyes meet yours again you can barely breathe

He’s here, in front of you

A little older, a little different

But it’s him

 _You’re under my skin man,_ he says

You keep your jaw carefully set

_The fuck can I do, huh?_

Your resolve is slipping

_The fuck can I do?_

You’re about to kiss him

You want nothing more than to give into every desire you’ve been suppressing

No one else has ever said words like that to you

Nobody’s ever touched you like he’s touching you

You part your lips, sucking in a breath

He gets called away

You feel cold without his hands on you

*

He’s looking at you like you’re everything

You’re lying to his face, telling him you’ve moved on

You haven’t

Here you are again being cruel

All because you can’t just accept that he’s your sun and moon,

the heartbeat in your chest,

the reason you fight,

the person who taught you every thing you know about love,

your home

Pretending otherwise is a fools errand

 _What’re you doing here then?_ he asks

He knows the answer

You crash into him and suddenly you can breath again

—you can see in colors again

You hadn’t even realized that the world had become black and white

That night you’re reminded over and over again of one simple fact:

He’s the only one for you

There will never be anybody else

That’s why you get in the car with him

That’s why you ignore your family’s phone calls

That’s why you let yourself live again

*

 _Fuck, I missed you,_ he says

You don’t say anything back

You missed him too

Of course you did

Do you even have to say it?

He knows doesn’t he?

Why else would he come back to you time and time again?

Instead you lean over and kiss him, relearning the lines of his body

Tracing all of his sharp edges and soft curves

 _I love you,_ you whisper into his hair long after he’s fallen asleep

When did those words become so scary?

They used to bounce around your head every time you looked at him

They would threaten to spill out of you even though you knew how destructive they could be

You didn’t used to care about the havoc they could wreak

Now you only utter them under the protection of the stars

*

Until you realize that you can’t go with him

Of course you can’t go with him

You’ve finally got control of your life

The precarious stability is the only thing keeping you sane

Going with him would mean sacrificing everything you’ve worked so hard for

But you want to

God, you want to

In another universe you’re already across the border with him

Maybe you’re happy there

Or maybe you’re manic or depressed

Maybe you miss your family

You can’t risk it

 _I love you,_ you finally say

It’s the first time he’s ever heard the words from your mouth

He doesn’t act like it

They don’t surprise him

They just make him sad

He pushes you off

For a second you’re scared he isn’t going to let you say goodbye

But he comes back to you, just like he always does

You kiss him, committing the feeling to memory

You can’t wrap your head around the fact that this is the last time you’ll see him

He pats your cheek and walks away

Your body starts to follow him but you catch yourself

You’ve made your choice

You watch his car disappear over the horizon 

_How did this happen?_ you wonder

You ache for him

The keeper of your heart,

the only one who’s ever really known you,

the love of your life

He’s gone

The world fades back to black and white

You call his old number

You know he won’t pick up but you do it anyways

You were never logical, when it came to him

_Leave your message at the beep_

_Hey, Mick,_ you whisper

If you close your eyes you can almost hear him talking back you

You talk and talk and talk

When the phone beeps and tells you you’re out of time you call again

You say everything you’ve been ignoring and everything he's missed

The lady’s voice cuts through your monologue

 _Voice mailbox full_ , she says

 _I love you,_ you rush out

The dial tone drones in your ear in response

_Holy fuck_

He’s back and he’s beautiful and he’s yours

He’s acting cocky, but you know the truth

You’ve always known, with him

He’s scared to death

So are you

_Finally_

Finally your fingers are in his hair

Finally your mouth is on his

Finally he’s yours again

You break away

Your breath is caught in your throat

The words are caught there, too

What if you say them and he disappears?

What if he vanishes into smoke?

He smiles up at you

You smile back when you realize the spark is back in his eyes

 _I love you_ , you say

Fearless and bold, confident and open

Like you always wished you were

He makes you like this

He sucks in a breath, like he’s waiting for you to vanish too

You melt back into him, promising him that you’re here

 _No more goodbyes_ , you tell him wordlessly

 _I love you, too,_ he says, voice a shaky whisper

 _I love you_ , you say again,

and again,

and again

You give him a thousand kisses, a proclamation bookending each one

_I love you_

_I love you_

_I love you_

Eventually he pushes you off, laughing at your theatrics

But you love him

How could you not want to say it at every possible moment?

*

He’s more careful with the words

You understand

They’ve burned him in the past

When he does say them it means everything

Here is a man who’s spent his whole life fighting

—fighting for his life, fighting for his freedom, fighting for you

And he tells you he loves you like it’s the simplest thing in the world

It is the simplest thing in the world

Everything else was complicated

Loving him was always easy

Easier than walking, easier than eating

It was easier than breathing, sometimes

You can’t remember life before you loved him

You don’t want to

It was always him

You know that he thinks you lied about waiting for him

You didn’t

Your heart waited for him

Your soul did too, you think

Every part of you that matters waited for him

It was always him, him, him

Him when you closed your eyes

Him when you woke up

Him filling up every nook and cranny in your brain

Him cutting through the fog when you were at your lowest

Him being the only one you wanted to tell when you were at your highest

Everything reminded you of him

But now he’s here and you don’t need reminders anymore

You don’t have to miss him anymore

He’s right here and you love him and he loves you

He’s everything you’ve ever wanted and everything you’ll ever need

You say _I love you_ and revel in it

There’s no goodbye after it

No teary eyes or bloodstained porches

No fear or pretense

Just _I love you_

What a freedom

What a beautiful thing

_Mickey, I love you,_ you call after him

You ruined everything again

Why didn’t you just sign the papers?

He does everything for you and you couldn’t do this one thing for him?

Maybe saying I love you isn’t enough anymore

He wants proof

Why can’t you just give it to him?

*

You wake up to his scent

You smile and press your face into him

Except it isn’t him

You’re alone

And it’s all your fault

*

You try to explain yourself to him

You’ve seen what marriage does to people

Why doesn’t he see that you’re trying to protect him?

 _You don’t love me enough now,_ he says

You freeze

How could he ever think that?

After all this time he still doesn’t see that he’s your everything

 _How do you know you love me?_ you ask

You think you’re being kind

—giving him one last chance to save himself from you

_How could you possibly know that me, all of me, all the fucking versions I am_

_\--how do you know that that’s what you wanna spend the rest of your life with?_

He laughs at you

_When you get over this whole ‘I’m not worthy of love bullshit’ why don’t you give me a call?_

You’re _not_ worthy of love, you think

Your heartbeat pounds in your ears as you leave

God, you miss him

You feel like you've spent your whole life missing him

You never want to miss him again

*

You play his game for a little while

—until you can’t stand it anymore

Being without him has become unbearable

You wonder how you ever survived this before

You look up at him, heart thumping in your ears

_I love you, Mickey Milkovich, more than anything_

It’s only been a few days without him but when you kiss it’s like it’s been years

Kissing him is like coming home all over again

*

Here you are

At the beginning of forever

His hands are in yours and his heart is laid bare for all to see

_To love and to cherish you, ’til death do us part_

You’ve never been as honest as you are right now

What did you do to deserve this?

What did you do to deserve him?

The spark in his eye and his gentle hands,

his sharp edges and soft curves,

his never-ending, tumultuous love

It doesn’t matter, because he’s yours

Forever

You can finally have it

—a simple life, with him

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of feelings about everything they had to go to to get to where they are now and this is the result. It's very self indulgent but I really ended up liking it so I thought I'd share it  
> I've never posted anything in this style before so please let me know what you think.  
> 


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